


loving you was my only fear

by beepbeepriiichie



Category: IT
Genre: Angst, M/M, Sad, happy endings r not a thing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-18
Updated: 2019-09-18
Packaged: 2020-10-21 06:53:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20689319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beepbeepriiichie/pseuds/beepbeepriiichie
Summary: In which Richie feels the need to finally tell everyone he is in love, just that the one he is in love died today.





	loving you was my only fear

**Author's Note:**

> i needed to get this out of my head.

_Ed._  
__  
_Eddie._  
__  
_Eddie._ _Eddie._  
  
_Eddie. Eddie. Eddie._  
  
_EDDIE! Eddd- ... Eds.._  
  
”Stop.”  
A well-known but barely hearable voice let Richie’s thoughts lapse into silence.  
”Stop calling me Eds. I told you a thousand times I _hate _it.”  
  
Richie let out a bitter laughter. His whole body trembling, his heart aching like it could stop beating in the moment he stopped caring for only one second.  
Not that he cared much after all what has happened earlier today.  
To be true to himself, nothing mattered to him anymore.  
Nothing would matter again, never.  
  
”Eddie would have hated it here.”, someone laughed next to Richie but he barely recognized it.  
  
Everyone laughed.  
Everyone seemed happy.  
Everyone.  
Everyone but _him_.  
He didn’t laugh. He couldn’t.  
  
While his eyes were still focused on those broken glasses in his hands, he gently tried to remove the spilled blood on it. Knowing well enough whom the blood belonged to, Richie cleaned it carefully as if he could hurt the owner when rubbing it off too rush.  
  
”Edd- .. Eddie. I m sorry.”  
Did he say his name out loud?  
  
”Rich, I think your glasses are clean now.”, another voice answered his thoughts.  
”We’re all here for you, buds, you know that, huh?”  
  
_No. No, we are NOT all here_, his voice wanted to scream but no words came out of his mouth.  
Instead his head nodded silent, accepting nobody must feel like he did.  
  
Someone gently touched his hand.  
  
”Beep, beep, Rich'.”  
  
_Beverly. _It must have been her who tried to reach out to him this time.  
  
”Ed-..”, he started explaining again. Maybe she would-  
  
“I know.”, she followed his words.  
“We are here for you, promise. We won’t leave, we are here.”  
  
Richie finally found the strength to look up, even dared to risk a look in his friend’s face.  
He saw Beverly smiling at him and regretted the decision immediately but then recognized her eyes, sparkling wet, full of tears trying not to run down her face too soon.  
  
She felt it, too.  
  
”T-Thank y-..”  
Even before he could try to find words, Beverly leant over to hug her lost friend.  
The others joined unrequested without saying anything.  
Nobody dared to speak but they didn’t need to talk anyway. Richie knew for a moment he wasn’t alone.  
Without him but not alone.  
  
Without _him._  
__  
_Him. Him. Him. __Mine. Never mine._  
__  
_Never again._  
__  
_Mine. My love. My-.._  
__  
”I loved him.”  
  
The words bubbled out of him so fast, too rash to stop them.  
  
”I- I love him.” He had to breathe it out again to make sure everybody understood.  
  
”RRR- Richie.”, Bill tried to respond.  
  
”NO,..”, Richie interrupted him, trying not to let his tears win the fight against his voice.  
”Let me finish this. Please, I need to tell him, I need to-“  
  
Richie took a deep breath.  
  
”You all don’t understand. You don’t _know_. I loved him for 27 years. No, even before, I think since the day we met in school. I loved him when I didn’t even know what love was. I-.. I loved him the first time he told me to shut my stupid mouth about fucking his mother. I said I loved him a thousand times whenever I called him Eds. He didn’t know. He hated me, hated me for calling him _that_. And fuck, yes, I wanted him to hate me. _It’s better this way_, I told myself. I hated myself but I loved him. I-“  
  
He stopped.  
  
”I love you, Eddie Kaspbrak. I think I always have and I always will.”  
  
Tears ran down his swollen face. His body felt weak, too empty to operate but he smiled.  
Too long he had wanted to speak out the truth, too long he had not dared to tell him.  
  
”And now it is too fucking late to tell you.”, Richie laughed out loud.  
”Fuck. I screwed up. Like I always do. I am sorry, Eds. Eddie. I am sorry, I was too afraid. I-..”  
  
Richie became silent again.  
  
The losers club hugged him even stronger, kissed his reddish cheeks, comforted him the best way they could.  
”We know.”, Beverly answered.  
”Yes, Rich, we know.”, everyone else agreed.  
”You-..”, he tried to answer.  
  
Richie paused for a moment to sort his and their words.  
  
”We-..”, he started again.  
”Hell, we really should get out of the water or we’ll catch a cold. Eds would have told us. Eds-..”  
Before his mind could drift away again, Ben managed to convince the club they really should head back to the hotel to get some well deserved rest. Everyone helped Richie to get out of the lake to prevent his body from diving under water because his legs wouldn’t want to carry him anymore.  
  
They headed home in silence, not daring to speak a single word. Every left member of the loser’s club held Richies hand or walked near him until they faced their hotel rooms after a long trip through the memories of Derry and only dared to let go of each other when Richie opened the door to his room to mutter he’d rather be alone for a moment.  
Beverly nodded insightful, including a whispering _“call if you need something”. _Bill tried to build comforting words but couldn’t finish them, so he just smiled to let his friend know he was there, too. Mike protested he wouldn’t want to leave Richie alone with this situation but Ben convinced him that their friend was enough to know what was best for him and he would come back as soon as he needed more hugs or kisses.  
  
They left after another minute of silence with worried looks on their faces, knowing that there was nothing to say or do that could really help their friend. They had defeated Pennywise twice, had faced their fears but with Eddie’s death a new one replaced Richies hidden old fear:

_Living without the love of his life, not being able to talk to him ever again._


End file.
